Getting ready to have a baby

August 29th, 2008

This is all over the Russian web sites, so i thought to translate it to English. I am most definitely not the original author.

Before having a baby…

To get a feeling about the coming nights, go around the room from five till ten in the evening holding a bundle weighing 6 to 10 pounds. At ten put the bundle down, set the alarm clock to twelve and go to sleep. Wake up at midnight and walk around the room holding the bundle until one o’clock. Set the alarm clock to three. Since you’re not going to fall asleep, get up at two and drink something. Go to bed at 2:45. Get up at three with the alarm. Sing in the dark until four. Set the alarm clock to five. Get up and make breakfast. Repeat for five years. Look happy.

Remove all the pulp from a watermelon and make a small side hole the size of a ping-pong ball. Hang it on the ceiling with a rope and swing from side to side. Take a bowl of wet cereal and try to use a spoon to put the cereal in the swinging watermelon, jumping like a grass hopper. Continue until the bowl is half empty. Empty the rest on your lap. You’re ready to feed a one-year old baby.

To get ready for the first steps of a baby, put peanut butter on the sofa and all the window drapes. Take a fishstick, shove it behind the entertainment center and leave it there for a couple of months.

It seems much easier to dress little children than it really is. Buy a fishnet bag and an octopus. Try to put the octopus into the fishnet bag so that none of the tentacles is sticking out. You have the whole morning to complete the exercise.

Forget about sportcars and buy yourself a minivan. Buy a chocolate icecream cone and put it in the glovebox. Leave it there. Squeeze a bag of cookies over the back seats. Take a rake and scratch both sides of the car. Excellent! Do you like it?

Prepare to go outside, then wait for half an hour next to the bathroom. Go outside. Go back. Go outside. Go back once again. Go outside and take a stroll. Go back. Take a stroll once again. Go along the road very slowly for five minutes. Stop every ten seconds to stare at cigarette butts, disposed chewing gums, dirty pieces of paper and dead insects. Go back. Loudly scream that you’ve had enough and you can’t take it any longer. Make sure that the neighbours are out and staring at you. You’re ready to try and take a toddler for a walk.

Go to a grocery store and take a creature most similar to a preschooler. A grown up goat is an ideal fit. If you’re planning to have more than one kid, take more than one goat. Buy your usual groceries, keeping an eye on the goats. Pay for everything that the goats eat or break.

Just before having your own baby, find a married couple that already have kids and point out the faults in how they train the kids, how they lack any patience and how they let their kids go crazy. Give advice on better sleep habits, potty training, good table manners and just good behavior. Don’t forget to enjoy yourself – this is the last time you’re going to have answers to any of these questions.